Wednesday, April 23, 2014

for today

You are very confident, he said. I wasn’t so sure about that. Why did I hate the sound of small children and why did I work at a Peruvian restaurant and when did my hands get so big and my heart get so small? I thought about the phrase “losing sight of yourself.” I thought about people all around the world literally losing sight of themselves, looking into the mirror and seeing nothing but fog, wondering if maybe it’s just the steam from the shower but not thinking much else of it and going on about their morning, looking at pictures of themselves standing with friends or family and not knowing who the tall man with the brim hat and sideways smile is, not recognizing the beautiful girl in the red polka dot dress, completely unable to identify the blonde woman holding a child in each arm next to her husband whose eyes are closed. Then I remembered there’s a disease for that, that people do literally lose sight of themselves, and I remembered then how utterly unfair the world is, and how confused I am by it, how badly I wanted to let it be known that nobody told me about this, nobody told me that I would get older and not know anything about anything. I felt cheated by the system, misguided, lied to. I felt that maybe if everybody knew that I had no warning, that I was given every reason to believe that life was easy as pie just like English classes in school or rescuing a lizard or making friends had been, then maybe they would be a little bit more understanding, stop holding their breath, stop waiting for me to do something, stop telling me that I’m confident, and after that I thought that perhaps nobody was waiting or telling or holding, that maybe they’d like to let it be known that they’re all out there trying not to lose sight of themselves in a bathroom mirror or in a photograph, and I thought again about lizards and Peruvian restaurants, the voices of small children and the illusion of confidence, and finally thought maybe that is enough for today, that is enough for today, that is enough for today. 

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